Everyone lies1. You, me. Your mom. All your friends. Even your damn preacher lies. Some studies estimate that we are lied to about 200 times per day, and that people lie in about 25% of their interactions2. Humans start lying around the age of 2, and it’s actually an important part of the brain’s developmental process. There are many reasons people lie: to avoid punishment, to protect someone or something, concealing something, to maintain privacy, to be polite, to avoid embarrassment, because it’s fun, or because they have a habit of it.
Most people will claim they hate liars, that they hate being lied to. And yet we all still lie. Not only do we lie to others, we lie to ourselves. It’s a constant with humans. So how can we be so hypocritical?
Firstly, relax a little bit. Resist the urge to be judgey right away (yes, I know the correct word is judgmental, don’t judge me). Again, this is something we all do, and for various reasons.
Let’s start by examining why we don’t like being lied to. Imagine being deceived by someone you thought you could trust. This betrayal can feel devastating. We are hurt by the other person, because we thought they valued us more than that, and we are hurt by ourselves for putting ourselves in that position. We feel as though we “should have known better.” It’s like getting egg on your face, only worse. So we are hurt, embarrassed, angry, etc. Then our minds are sent into a tailspin as we constantly wonder from then on, “Can I trust this person?”
Go ahead and get to the bottom of it, and consider whether or not you might have done the same under the circumstances. Dealing with trust issues after the fact is going to require a lot of work on your part, but instead of focusing on the fallout, what if we could avoid these things altogether? How do we do that?
First, remember that all people lie. How much a person lies, and why, should play a role in our approach. If a person lies all the time, it stands to reason you want to get rid of them or avoid them.
Actions should line up with their words.
One easy way to determine if someone isn’t be truthful is to compare their actions to their words. If they don’t line up, always defer to the actions. The action supersedes the words, always. An easy example is someone who says they like you, and they’re interested in you. Yet they are impossible to contact, they always have an excuse to avoid spending time with you. They may say they like you, but their actions say different. Listen to people’s actions, not their words. Whenever there is a discrepancy, the pay attention to their actions. Deceptive people will act one way and talk another. Don’t buy into their persuasive words.
Assume people will lie.
The second trick is to lower your expectations. Expectation is the mother of disappointment. You may think you’re an excellent judge of character, or that you can trust this person. Your emotions may override your ability to think clearly. Or maybe you overestimate your own abilities. No matter the case, it would be foolish to think that a particular person would never lie to you. That is an unreasonable expectation. Remember all the reasons why people lie? What are the reasons you lie? How many times have you yourself lied to this person? Never? Maybe you didn’t notice. Realize that everyone will lie to you at some point or another. Make room for it. Then it won’t be such a blow. Resisting the urge to rush to judgment may also help you figure out just how “upset” you should be in regards to the situation. Do not make a mountain out of a mole hill. How much energy do you want to expend here? What will happen if your response if far disproportionate to the actual crime? What if you end up causing more drama than the lie itself? These are just some things to consider.
Don’t justify someone else’s deception.
Don’t get trapped into justifying poor behavior from other people. Really reflect on whether this person is worth having around, if they’re worth the energy of inspiring to improve, etc. Don’t be a doormat, but don’t be unreasonable about it, either. It’s okay to tell people how you feel about their deception, and it’s okay to communicate boundaries. It’s also okay to give people a chance to change their behavior, but you need to have the self-respect enough to say enough is enough. If someone continues to deceive you while knowing your boundaries on an issue, you have the right to cut them out of your life or limit your exposure to them. Figure out if they’re lying because they simply don’t care about your feelings or boundaries.
Lastly, sometimes people lie for no discernible reason. They lie about things that don’t matter. They seem to lie about everything. Lying, to them, has become habit (i.e. they are habitual liars). They lie when it doesn’t even make sense to do so. The best way to deal with these people is to avoid them as much as possible.
What About Me?
Since you can’t avoid yourself, the best thing you can do is to be aware of your own self. Practice telling the truth and get out of the habit of automatically lying (most lies are “thrown out there” on the spot because we are pressed for time). Start small, as with any habit, and overcome it. What is the purpose of lying about this thing? What would have happened if I told the truth instead? With awareness and practice, you can learn to be more truthful, and in turn you will be more trustworthy in the eyes of the people you deal with.
-Janden
What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told? How did that play out?
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https://theconversation.com/truth-is-everyone-lies-all-the-time-6749
https://www.theifod.com/how-often-do-we-lie/