In the movie Inglourious Basterds, there is an excellent scene where Lt. Aldo is told he would “be shot for this!” He calmly replies, “Nah, I don’t think so. More like chewed out. I’ve been chewed out before.” If you’ve ever been in the military, you totally understand what he’s saying. You get chewed out a lot. It’s expected. And you come to understand that it’s fine. You did a thing and your superior gives you a stern talking to. And then it’s over.
This is why Aldo isn’t worried. Because he’s been chewed out before.
But what happens when you start taking other people’s emotional responses more seriously? Can it become a problem? Aren’t you just being empathetic to others by considering other people?
Some People Manipulate You
Tell me if this sounds familiar: you consider doing a thing and then reconsider doing it because you know so-and-so will be upset. Pretty standard, right? Could be they’re mad at you. Could be they’re disappointed in you. Either way, you think ahead of time about an action and you’re doing what you’re supposed to. You are thinking about the consequences. The results of your actions. That’s a good thing.
But some people take advantage of this.
They come to learn that you do this, and they learn that they can use their responses to make you act in a certain way. In short, they control you. That’s what manipulation is. People control your behavior by making you feel guilty, ashamed, scared, etc.
So what can you do?
One thing you can do is the thing you wanted to do in the first place, even if you know it’ll piss someone off. Let them be pissed. Let them throw a fit. If they’re manipulators, it’s a tantrum. They know that them being upset is likely to change your own emotional state, and they know you don’t like this. So the fix is to make it so they can’t change your emotional state.
Their Anger Is Their Issue
This is important. You are not obligated to take on the emotions of others. Do not let others disturb your inner peace. Inside, you are cozy, sitting by a fire. Drinking hot cocoa while staring out the window at the raging storm outside and you’re not caring. Let them be mad. It’s okay. Don’t give their anger any thought. I know it’s hard. A lot of people don’t like it when others are mad at them. They want to smooth things over. They apologize for things they have no business apologizing for. They do whatever, all in an attempt to get the other person to stop being mad.
But I ask you this: what will happen if you don’t mollify them? They’ll get over it.
People have been mad at you before, and you’re still here. People will be mad at you in the future. And you will survive. Again, you aren’t obligated to be agitated just because someone else is agitated.
Expecting you to be agitated because they are agitated is like expecting you to be hungry because they are hungry.
I really like the Buddhist approach to anger, but the Stoics also get it right. So you can’t go wrong with either one. In closing, it’s okay if people are angry at you. Let them. And don’t forget that often people get mad at you whether you deserve it or not. Maybe they’re mad at someone else earlier in the day and you just happen to be in front of them at that moment. So they want to take it out on you. You are not a punching bag. Walking on eggshells because someone flies off the handle all the time means you are expending too much energy trying to deal with a volatile, unpredictable situation.
It’s like trying to change your actions because you think it will make the weather nice outside. What’s beautiful about these kinds of people is that when they realize their anger doesn’t effect you anymore, they learn to stop using it as a tool to control you. They’ll move on to some other tactic.
Stay in your happy place. Picture that however you want. Sometimes I picture a Japanese Garden. Sometimes it’s a cabin. Or a nice pond. Or a room with lots of books. Whatever your happy place is, just know that you don’t have to open the door when someone comes knocking. Let them stay outside.
-Janden
Leave me a comment if you’ve struggled with this.
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