Remember what I said in a previous post? What you allow will continue. That’s something you’re going to see come up in this newsletter a lot. Because it’s true. You can’t wait around hoping for other people to stop treating you like shit because they suddenly develop a conscience.
The bottom line is that people continue to do shit because they get away with it. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You aren’t obligated to be anyone’s punching bag. This applies to anybody. Your spouse, your parents, your kids—any family. Your boss, your coworkers, your friends. Anybody.
Nobody has a right to take out their bullshit on you. You have the right to walk away or tell people to fuck right off. And everything in between.
Where we get hung up is that people will manipulate our feelings—take advantage of how nice and accommodating we are—to pressure us into staying in an interaction that isn’t in our best interest. In other words, people shit on us and we allow it because we don’t want to make waves or we don’t want to be rude and leave. Or whatever.
I’m here to tell you, you are under no obligation to deal with someone who is acting a fool. Fuck ‘em. You’re allowed to end any interaction at any time. You don’t need to stay. If someone is being abusive or unruly, cut them off. “Come back when you can be respectful.” You set the tone for the interaction. I don’t give a fuck if this is your boss. You need to train people that you’re not going to be talked to like that.
Are you scared of what might happen if you start doing this?
That’s understandable. But press pause before you freak out. Look around you. Are there other people in this world who this person would never talk to that way? What’s different about them? And what’s most important—did they suffer the worst-case scenario consequence that just showed up in your brain when you thought about standing up for yourself?
Sure, bullies won’t like it. They’ll fucking play the victim. They’ll accuse you of being a bully. Being mean. They’ll cry crocodile tears. It’s all lies. Don’t listen to them. It’s all the same bullshit they’ve used to keep you right where they want you. To play on your nice emotions. They know you don’t want to be an asshole. That you’re “not like that.” And they’ll manipulate you. Into doing what they want, which is to keep being a punching bag.
Quit being a punching bag.
Practice setting boundaries—which you have to communicate—and then enforcing them. You must let people know what you will and will not accept. That is the first part. Don’t expect people to read your mind. Communicate your boundaries. Then you must enforce them. Some examples, and you can make these as tactful or as tactless as you like:
I’ll talk with you after you’ve had time to calm down.
I’ll gladly discuss the issue with you, but only if it’s civil.
That’s the last time you speak to me that way, do you understand?
Communicate your boundaries. Set the terms for anyone who wants to interact with you. That is the first part. Then you must enforce it. Because people won’t believe you. They’ll see if they can push you on it. To call your bluff. Don’t reward bad behavior. If they want to interact with you, they need to abide by your boundaries. Until then, you are free to end the interaction.
Exit the interaction.
Tell the other person to exit. “Come back when you can be respectful.”
Do this often until it all becomes second nature. You’ll see that people start fucking with you less and less because they know it will do them no good. You don’t need to be a punching bag. You don’t have to sit there and deal with anyone’s bullshit, drama, fuckery, or whatever. You can leave any interaction you don’t want to be a part of. You can hang up the phone. You can block someone. You can end the appointment early. And so on. And this shit is scary for some people, because they’ve never done it before. But if other people can do it, so can you. It takes practice. The discomfort will go away with time.
The discomfort you will go through to make this second nature is far less than the discomfort you will go through if you choose to remain where you are.
If you want to learn more, look into assertiveness. Or just emulate someone you know who takes no shits and gives no fucks. Either one works.
-Janden
What are your thoughts on this? Help me out by liking, sharing, and commenting below!
The Ghost of Sterling Road is here! Grab the October issue of SPKTR on Amazon or get them all delivered automatically through my club.
FREE GIVEAWAY, three books here: https://books.bookfunnel.com/jandenhale
Follow me on social media:
.