One of the ways I like to help people realize the importance of logic and rhetoric is by showing how they’re related to martial arts. We’re accustomed to thinking of self-defense in only the physical realm; we can’t help it — martial arts is pretty ubiquitous these days. The UFC has helped popularize mixed martial arts, and there are plenty of schools in just about every city that teach self-defense. We know there is always a possibility that someone might attack us, putting our very lives in danger. So people train for it. We learn to prepare for these types of attacks, which may never even happen. But we do it, because…just in case.
But what about attacks that happen on a daily basis? We spar and do battle far more often with our verbal interactions. People try to gain the upper hand through subtle rhetorical devices, logic, aggressive insults, manipulation, lies, etc. Because these types of onslaughts are far more common, doesn’t it make sense to teach them, perhaps in the same way we teach physical self-defense? I believe so, which is the whole intent behind Loricism. With this article I’m going to pick up where I left off in Argue Like a Black Belt.
In the realm of physical self-defense, disarming an attacker is an important skill to learn. Removing an adversary’s weapons helps minimize the damage they can do to us. They become much easier to handle, and we bring them down to an even level (if we are unarmed ourselves).
The same principle applies to verbal interaction. One of the things I talked about in Argue Like a Black Belt was forcing people to fight our way, which basically amounts to making them play to our strengths while avoiding theirs. By disarming their weapons, we make this a lot easier on ourselves, and it becomes a more manageable interaction. We can avoid being on the defensive, and your opponent will be more susceptible to your own arguments. What follows is 6 techniques designed to disarm your opponent and lower their guard.
1. Frame the debate into a discussion.
Right off the bat you want to frame the interaction not as a debate, which sets up a combative mood. If you set an adversarial tone, it signals to your opponent that you’re in it to win, that you won’t be pulling punches, and that the competition is on. You want to avoid that; even if that’s your goal, you want them to keep their guard down so you can catch them unawares. If you set up a more laid-back tone, you reframe the situation and signal to your opponent that you’re just here to talk. It also keeps them from going immediately on the defensive, because it shows you are more likely to be open to their ideas. If they think you’re going to be hard-headed, there is a chance they could adopt the same approach without even realizing it.
So be cordial, thank them for the opportunity to discuss and share ideas. Make it clear that you’re not here to fight.
2. Use conciliatory statements.
Once you’ve set the tone, you’ll want to throw them a bone from time to time. This lets them know you’re open-minded, and they’re more likely to return the favor. I recommend doing this every time you notice anything you can agree with. Whenever you respond to them, point out the parts you like or understand. In martial arts, there are a lot of techniques that hinge upon using your opponent’s momentum to put them in a position that betters your own. You give and take, it’s like a dance. By using phrases like, “I agree with you on this point,” or, “that’s a very good point,” you maintain the conversational tone of the interaction while also keeping their guard down. What this does is it helps them become more receptive to your own counterpoints. You’re leading the way, setting the pace. You’re giving them permission to leave the door open for your own ideas to get through. If you take a more aggressive approach, they are likely to put up walls. Some people might even be contrarian, and will disagree with you simply for the sake of being difficult. Even if they don’t believe what they’re saying. Avoid this with conciliatory statements.
3 Use humor.
Humor can be a great disarming tool. Use it to your advantage. A well-placed joke not only keeps the mood light, but it loosens up the crowd. Further, if you can get your opponent to laugh with you, it hits them psychologically. Why would they laugh at their enemy’s jokes? Their brain will subconsciously signal to them that you are nonthreatening, and will connect you with previous experiences where they laughed with friends or something they found enjoyable. It will help raise their mood and cushion the interaction from other heightened emotions, like frustration or anger.
What you don’t want to do is roast them unless you know they can be good-natured about it (if they roast you first, for example). Using humor at their expense will only agitate them. If they roast you, first, however — go for it. A quick-witted retort may show them they’re in good company, if they value that sort of thing. It may also be a way to demonstrate common ground (see number 5). Churchill was a master at this. Nancy Astor once shouted at him, “If you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” He responded by saying, “If I were your husband, I’d drink it.”
Lastly, the biggest way to disarm someone with humor is to use a self-deprecating joke in response to an insult someone throws at you. The ancient Stoics used to recommend this. You immediately deflate their attack and demonstrate that you’ve got enough self-esteem to handle it. It shows that those types of things won’t work to upset you, and you’ll win the crowd over to your side. The key here is to use it in response to insults. Too much self-deprecation can have the opposite of the intended effect.
4 Be vulnerable.
Making an argument often involves using logic, facts, statistics. This is excellent, however, sometimes rhetoric requires more finesse. You’ve got to be able to use those facts and statistics to paint a picture, to put things into proper perspective so others can absorb it easier. One way to do this is to hit people in the feels by being vulnerable. By giving access to your personal experiences, you can hit emotional buttons that might help you generate some rapport, especially if your opponent has had a similar experience. You also make a play on their better nature. If you’ve already done a good job of framing the tone of the interaction to a more friendly vibe, you come across as more human. You’re not an enemy, after all. It also keeps their defenses down because they believe your defenses are down. Some people might try to take advantage of this, but if they do go for the low blow, you’ll likely come away with a bigger chunk of the crowd’s support, especially if they can relate to you. If they don’t go for your throat, you win either way.
5 Establish rapport through common ground.
The quickest way to establish rapport with another person is to find common ground. Many people seek to focus on your differences, it helps them frame you as an outsider, an other, an enemy. Even if they don’t naturally gravitate toward this, they may at first be distrustful of you, not yet sure of your motives. Their guard will be raised. Lower these defenses by prospecting. It helps if you’re able to do some research in advance. Find out what they love, what they identify with. Causes they support. Anything you can use to establish common ground. What this does is move you from the “other” category in their mind to placing you alongside them in a different group that you both belong to. They won’t be able to dehumanize you in their mind. You want to frame yourself as a friend, someone they can interact with. And whenever you find the interaction veering, you can always bring them back to your commonalities and maintain that congenial tone.
6 Be nonjudgmental.
No one likes to be judged. It’s one of the biggest reasons we remain closed off from other people, because if we think they are simply going to judge us, we prefer to avoid it altogether. When people judge us, it puts us on the defensive, and we no longer have an interest in sharing our point of view. Why should we? They aren’t going to listen. You can avoid creating this in your opponent by resisting the urge to be judgmental of them. Instead, listen to them and try to understand where they’re coming from. If you’ve framed the interaction as a friendly discussion, you will have given them space to open up about their beliefs, ideas, experiences. If you say you’re open-minded, and you betray this trust by judging them, they will close off and you’ll have a harder time getting them to open back up at that point. And more importantly, they’re more likely to judge you and will be less inclined to understand your point of view.
Conclusion
These are just 6 ways to lower your opponent’s guard and keep them from raising their walls. You want to keep the interaction manageable, just like you might want to disarm a weapon from a physical attacker. By taking away their sharp edges, you put yourself in a position of less danger. You’ll also find that conversations start to be more enjoyable, and others are more open to learning. You’ll also find that you learn more this way, which is the whole point, isn’t it?